And The Sand

And The Sea Grows

I Close My Eyes

Move Slowly Through Drowning Waves

Going Away On A Strange Day.

(R. Smith 1982)

Where the hell do I begin? I ask myself this question. What do I want to really say? Why do I bother? What do I hope to achieve? Who the hell knows. Who cares to be honest. Just another day, with the rain beating down instead of the icy cold days of recent. Another day where I find myself in limbo, between being somewhere and being nowhere I guess. It makes no sense, but I begin to feel the hours and days slipping by quietly and I never seem to do anything. I just let them go, always having the excuse that sooner or later I will do something. I will go here or there or write this or that. Am I a man full of excuses? A man who cannot get his sorry ass to do something?

I think I'm veering very close to the meaning of life here. But there is no meaning, anyone with half a brain should have worked that out. You see, we become so intelligent, that we cannot believe that we simply exist. Like religion. How can death be the final scene? No, we tell ourselves, life must go on, it just cannot simply end and me myself, I would like to think that life goes on, that we cross over or something. But I know why I think that, we just cannot accept our most bizarre existence. (I think I'm moving into existentialism here.) But when you think about it, we do have an absurd existence. I'm not fussed about the meaning of life, it obviously varies from person to person. I think we have a point to existence. For me, I think it must be that I can look back and see that I've done or accomplished something that I wanted too. Perhaps this web site is one of those things, I guess that's why we all do it.

One of my lecturers once said that the World Wide Web is just a massive overdose of a small-minded collective all trying to be at the forefront and scream for attention. I see that. Like this, just me bragging on about what I think, no-one to challenge me. But is it not also the opportunity for freedom of expression? Am I not able to say what I think and feel?

The drying of the well

Some days just seem so predictable and then completely turn themselves on their head. The most unexpected happens and before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. I'm actually referring to work here. Another day, another 9-5, another day, same shit as always. Same faces, same feeling of melancholy and that I am again stuck in that ever growing rut, even though I'm not really. But I guess it wasn't the day, okay it was strange, we had a couple power cuts and wound up sitting in the dark for a while. But in that darkness and with the use of these rather great glowing blue lights, we continued. But something more bizarre occurred. Our usual exteriors and predictable behaviors vanished into the background and for just once, I think we felt like all part of something. Something that no-one else could understand. I felt that I belonged somewhere and believe me, after moving around for so long and changing who I know and see, that was a welcome feeling.

There was another side to it as well. I actually got to speak to some people that I don't usually speak to. And in that brief three hours, I felt my spirit lift in a way that made me see the dormant state it has resided in for these past few months.

Something that is bothering me from this, is my seemingly slow removal from socialization. An almost slow withdrawal into
myself, an unnatural desire for peaceful solitude, the hours of darkness. Wallowing away the small hours. I guess the decline of my social skills. It is something that bothers me, especially after today, when I only noticed the emptiness in my soul when it was raised.

What have you done?
So close to another Passover. 'Another year over and what have you done?' says Mr. Lennon. What the hell have I done? Okay, so I got a degree, I finally got my ass into the employment scene for permanent. But for some reason, I look back on this year as black and cold. A year of upheaval and change. A year of uphill battles, difficult decisions, pain and tears. This is one year I would not like to repeat in a hurry. Because of the constant changes, I seem more and more reluctant to settle into a social routine. I see this from my previous concerns. In the new year, I will have to begin and move all over again. I'm tired of this shit and there are times when I just want to quit it all. But no, I look ahead, I always find myself thinking that things will get better eventually.

At the moment, I'm so busy working that my feet don't touch the ground. I know when it all finishes, I will feel a strange kind of loss. But begin again, I see that as my redemption. But how far am I from my dreams? I am the thinker, not the lyrical or the poetical. I perhaps wish to be the traveller. Moving from place to place, seeing the ancient wonders of the world, drawing my own conclusions as I frequently do, as if I need to find some truth out there, some purity, some evidence of something. I'm sure that it's out there, waiting for me for me to find it. That one thing that will make all this bullshit that surrounds me disappear and perhaps I will be in the tranquillity of a higher knowledge or purpose. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I feel that I'm capable of so much more. I feel that there must be something that I'm good at, that I can unleash my power or knowledge at and draw strength. My life cannot be this day in, day out mind-numbing plod to death. In time, it will come, hopefully soon.

The Daughters of Necessity, The Moirai.

The Goddess of Necessity, Themis, brought forth three lovely daughters, known as The Fates. All living things must eventually submit to these divine daughters of Zeus and Themis.

"Moirai" were the Fates, personfication of the inescapable destiny of man. The Moirai assigned to every person his or her share in the scheme of things. Originally only one Moira was conceived, and not necessarily in a personified sense Zeus, as father of gods and men, weighed out the "fate" of individuals, as he did in the case of Achilleus and Memnon Later there were two Fates, one at either pole of a person's life. Finally, the familiar trio of Fates came to be accepted, each with a specific function.

Their names are: Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos.

Life is woven by Clotho, measured by Lachesis and finally, in a very literal sense, the thread of life is cut by Atropos. They laugh at our feeble attempts to cheat them because they always prevail.

Why is this relevent? Why do we need to know about the 'daughters of necessity'? Simple. Well, from a certian point of view. I for one feel very much that I am a fate-ist. You see your life and it moves slowly along, moving from place to place, day to day. But ever, have you looked back and realised that a certain things would never had transpired if 'x' had never said/done/acted in a certain way. You were in the right place at the right time?

All things happen for a reason

That is my most thought of and secure philosophy. Everything I've ever done has generated from something, almost as if my life has already occured and I am broadly moving between all the most life-changing aspects. To some degree, I believe that other things do not occur, so that a certain thing can. Have you ever looked at your life in this way?

Atropos the random, the end of the road. The end of your time. The show is over. Your life is like a movie that has already been filmed...all events will inevitably lead to the next...cause and effect. Atropos is the most powerful of these goddesses. While Clotho can give life, it still takes a long time to get here and Lachesis has already woven your fabric.

Atropos just takes it away. One, simple, cut.

End of an Era

I could not believe what happened to me the other night. I finally 'succumbed' to the brute and utter barbaric violence that is inherent in 'man'-kind. Well, to clarify perhaps; I wasn't the instigator of any fight. Two gentlement decided in their imaginative wisdom that I was not to their liking, my friend either and proceeded to attack us. No reason, no thought, just two local thugs who thought that perhaps we may be having too much of a good time.
It resulted in yours truly having to be taken to accident and emergency to have stitches above my right eye. That's it, scarred for life. Whenever I look in the mirror I have someone's signature sliced across my forehead.

They, ironically, got away with this deed.

I suppose what sort of got to me was the 'inevitability' of the whole incident. What do I mean? Well, all my life and indeed, of many a man's life, you some how come to expect that something like this will happen. You kind of resign yourself to it. All your friends get a kicking at some point and you sit and wonder when your turn is. How bad is it going to be? Will I see any justice? Who, at the end of it all will be victorious? And, in a strange way, almost disturbing way, you kind of look forward to it. I am not suggesting that I am some sort of psychopath. It is almost a primitive instinct; the survival of the fittest, who is the strongest and who is the best? 'This is my chance to prove myself.'.

The reality is somewhat different.

It leaves you cold. With a bad taste in your mouth. As if some part of you has died and you will never be the same again. For me, I will always see that scar and remember that one single night. 15 seconds, one punch, for a lifetime of remembrance. That man will forget me in a month or so, but I will always remember him...

RAGE....feel the fire of remembrance.

The Problem Of Being Me?

What? the problem of being myself? Sounds a rather strange thing to say really, but I expect some of you out there may understand that. But allow me to give you a little story....

Many moons ago, when I was still in school and life was simple, the usn shined, I didn't have to pay tax or N.I. and my biggest worry was when my next gig was, there was this couple. They'd been together since the dawn of time, well it seemed that long. Now, the male was in a band with me, his girlfriend I was good friends with. I'd once dated her, when she'd broken up with him, but only for a week. This was about 1992/1993. She'd always go through stages of dissatisfaction with him and wind up telling me about it. I always thought they were a bad couple, only staying together through habit and lack of confidence to move on, well, maybe him anyway. The end of schol and I disappear off to University for three years.....

Back to the future....

I return, full of new ideas, new concepts to this small town where I spent the most formulative years. They are still here, still together, but with a mortgage and talk of marriage. This doesn't surprise me, I secretly feel it won't work...
Now the male dislikes me now, after a reunion gig to which he wasn't invited, but me and his fiance get along fine. We go out for a few drinks now and again, don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in rocking the boat, I've just come out of one relationship, don't want another. She's no different, me, well, I have never really fallen in with the norm or convention when it comes to thought, philosophy and metaphysical being. Back then, I was considered a radical, a teenager who wanted to be different. Now, after three years, a degree, a twenty-something, I have developed those ideas. I realise what this world is made of, I see the ideas and lies we cling too for dear life. How intricately we have created concept and belief to help us survive. But knowing this, I deconstruct it, I destroy it, I recreate. My own truth....

Now figure, someone who has always been a moderate Christian, never been outside of this small town, never really thought to even bother to challenge or really think about life, but has always had that abiliy. They then talk to me after 4 years of being apart. Can you imagine?

Here's the new problem. After speaking with me, I have stirred that inquisitiveness inside of her, she realises life cannot just be here. She lives the life of birth, education, marriage, children, death. She see's where I am, she see's what I am doing, she see's my truths and in that simple realisation, I may have destroyed a relationship. SHe is now considering ending the relationship. Terminating the engagement.
This, ultimately is my fault....through being me, I have caused this to happen.....

You see...?

The problem of being me......

Return to the Daughters of Necessity/The Problem of Being Me

Let's look at this more closely, in terms of my own philosophy.

Now kids, we all remember the daughters and what each do. Let's look at Lachesis;

'Life is measured by Lachesis and woven by Clotho..'

There may be more to this than I originally thought. I have always maintained that things happen for a reason. Certain things. I believe that major life incidents are always guided, have already been planned by something beyond. A suitable metaphor would be a videotape with a film on it. The film has allready occured, it already has a beginning and an end. It already exists. When you watch the film, you don't know what's going to happen, but the ending already exists. The ending has already been filmed and is waiting for you to get there through a series of incidents. Cause and Effect.

When you look at your life, you can always trace an incident to have made this or that occur. We all, amazingly fit inside a unique jigsaw puzzle, creating effects on others lives, leading them to their ultimate end and indeed our own. It's almost too difficult to conceptualize. But it can be visualized. Now this unfortunate indiviual who I have led down the path of 'conciousness'. Perhaps in the grander scheme of things, perhaps it has been fated to do so. Perhaps my single purpose in having contact with her at this time(3 months to the wedding) is to make her see what she is about to do, to test to see if she is ready, to make her think....

What then, is her purpose to me?

It isn't possible for me to know that....how can I know? I don't know my future, but I feel that this is a major life incident for her and could have consequences on me. In the further field, her fiance, if she doesn't marry him, what is the purpose? Why must he not marry her?

You begin to see the intricate pattern we are woven into. Our lives are impossibly connected, we exist and continue as a result of other things happening From this view, I cannot do anything. If she is to break the engagement because of me, then it must be so. I am powerless to prevent it.
Funnily enough, she knows this theory of mine, but she, alike many have difficulty with the concept, because ultimately, it gives you no control over your life. It suggests that you are predestined, almost like a Calvinist approach, but with you at the centre of your life, rather than some metaphysical entity. Psychologically, people like to feel that they control their own destiny, no-one really would like to feel that they are destined to do something and are powerless to prevent it. In that act of prevention, you may cause the act.

Destiny awaits....

An Image of 'God'

As if by 'chance', when the light begins to dim at the end of the tunnel, when a hazy mist begins to descend over the clear fields of understanding, voices prowl.....

What is the nature of the movement of the universe?

Are we talking in terms of fourth dimensional space, in which case it can be time, in other sense, none....

I am talking of how it would be perceived from a third dimensional understanding. Expanding, contracting, static?

Impossible to tell, but from my own point of view, we are static, except in terms of 4th and 5th dimensional.....

Please tell me what you know of those dimensions. Not all at once of course. It appears, either you know whereof you speak, or you are one hell of a story teller. I will assume the former.

Okay, I don't proclaim to being any kind of expert, but it runs from my own kind of philosophy. How do we view time? Time regarded as the 4th dimension. As Hawkings theorises, the 3 first dimesions came first, time was secondary. But is time (the 4th) governed by the same forces as the first 3? We know time exists, but we can't see it... Therefore, if time expands, do the first three?, but if they do not expand, then is time(the 4th) restrained?

I am of the belief that time and space do not actually exist as we currently perceive them. Of course, I am speaking metaphysically and it appears you are dealing with quantum physics.

Metaphysically speaking then, for you, if time and space do not exist, are you from the school of thought that 'you think you exist, therefore you do'?

Hmmm, not necessarily of the school of "I think therefor I am"....I have really never been asked to account for that. I believe the life I know perceive as being "mine" is a fragment of a greater whole. Whether I am, in fact, here or not I do not know. I believe that I am eternal energy and thought made manifest. Please understand that I do not often encounter true intellects and therefor am rarely called to task.

Anyhow, my theory is in some respects similar to yours. I believe that we are part of a grander scheme of things. I think it is hard for the Human Psyche to believe otherwise. I believe in a kind of 'fate-ism' that all things ahave already occured...this led me onto the universe, it's construct and whether therefore time was a static field or not.

You believe all things have already occurred, or that all things simultaneously occur.....NOW?

I believe that all things have already occured in the sense that time is fixed dimension that exists like the other 3. Well, actually I'm on a quandry with that. I can't decide whether time is a constant within these 3 dimensions or extends to the 5th. If it is static to here, my philosophy would work....

I feel that the universe is a product of thought. The big bang was in fact the moment of actual realization of the creative thought of a larger entity of which we are a part. This being the case it is difficult to know whether all that we perceive is, in fact, tangible or not. And what is tangible? What is matter? What the hell am I talking about? Is this an illusion or reality? What is reality

I see your point So, you think that the big bang was not a real thing in the physical sense? It was created when someone first had a conscious thought...Am I getting you right on that? Who or what do you attribute to that?

I am not saying that the Big Bang was not a physical event as it would be perceived from our current viewpoint, but the nature of it was the genesis of thought on a universal magnitude. I believe that from a micro and macrocosmic standpoint this mystery that we find ourselves in is infinite in either direction. What we live and move and think and breathe in is beyond me...I am, however, comfortable with that.

You're absolutely right. It is beyond human intelligence (in my opinion) for us to be able to even begin to comprehend Genesis in this sense. Hawkings has argues in this sense, whereby the argument for what existed before the big bang isn't viable, because simply 'nothing' did exist. There was no 'conscious' thought that you speak of, metaphysically there was nothing.

I find the Mandelbrot Set to be a fascinating model.

Yes, yes, I know what you mean. The fractals. I remember them from university....they've become quite popular symbolically. Infinitely continuing, but in a set pattern, a sort of metaphor for consciousness..?

Precisely...I consider that to be a model of this conundrum of ours. God, IT, IS, I AM, he/she, they, whatever this is.

So, I think I have it; you consider that the Mandelbrot Set is the continuance of consciousness. That the infinite spiral/fractal is like a physical metaphor for, well 'god'? And of course, existence?

I notice you mention the spiral....yes.....perhaps not exactly what you said, but very close. At the very least a model. At most a picture of the divine, if you will.
So, and if you don't mind my asking...do you consider this to be 'your god'? Do you worship the metaphysical or simply acknowledge the existence as we have discussed?

I do not worship as it is commonly understood. My God I would refer to thusly: I AM. I believe myself to be a facet of the whole. To describe I would say....movement with mind.

Putting yourself at the centre of the universe as you perceive it...This a difference as I once argued with Calvinists. My theory of 'fate-ism' is much like the Calvinist Predestination. I was asked to differentiate. There is much to argue, but fundamentally, it is the question of your position. If I submit to a metaphysical and therefore worship, that places 'god' at the centre of the universe, If I place myself, that is something else.

I do not have an anthropomorphic conception of God. I see my relationship to the "whole" in the same way as one of my cells or one of the billions of microscopic lifeforms that exist in and on me are related to my body and soul.

The Necessity of 'God' A Theory

'God' is a necessity to all truly 'conscious' creatures. The concept, however peculiar is essentially the fear of death and the non-acceptance that humankind as an evolved species simply exists at the end of a chain of evolution. 'God' becomes an inevitable barrier against insanity. This essay will examine humankind's separate position in the world and the deep psychological need for belief, whether correct or incorrect.

Humankind, by definition are separated from the rest of the animal kingdom by consciousness. How is this defined? What is consciousness? In terms of this argument it is to perhaps truly understand ones existence in terms of a greater universe. To truly realise that one exists…'I think(I exist) therefore I am(do)'. To be able to think in wider terms, rather than by instinct and to combat the instinctual urges of the so-called 'id'.

The conscious, progressive mind of Humankind allows us to consider our own existence, our place in the world and fundamentally, when one begins this train of thought, inevitably we begin to ponder that inevitable question..'why do we exist'? Herein lies the single most irony; consciousness dictates the question, we question because we can.

The animal oblivious to existence never questions its origin. I has no comprehension of meaning and exists merely in terms of action and reaction. The animal lives on instinct, it exists to survive. As Humans, we would never consider the animal in terms of a conscious existence, simply because of its primitive nature. We relegate these beings into the zone of simple existence. Here we find the only difference; by direct comparison and because we are able to think, we must question. "Why do I exist?" and "Why am I allowed to exist?"

The seemingly permitted advanced state of the human mind creates a paranoid confusion whereby we, in our realisation of consciousness believe we are superior in all aspects of existence and delude ourselves into the belief that existence must therefore have a purpose, otherwise why are we intelligent? As a natural instinct it seems for us to consider there to be no purpose is almost inconceivable.

Let us look at evolution and Darwinian theory. Despite some obvious flaws in the obvious enigmatic genetic makeup of Humankind, it still remains the most plausible. The current Homo-Sapiens is a result of millions of years of evolution, yet only in this current form did we gain conscious. Our previous incantations we a re told, were simply savages; living, eating and breeding in the continuance of the species. Like any other animal. Certainly in terms of our existence now, we would consider such a savage as having no purposeful existence - the savage retains no concept of his being or the universe in a wider sense. According to the theory of evolution, this is where we have come from. Herein lies our quandary; by this definition, we simply have evolved, like all other creatures in the world. Humans have just evolved slightly further. Our existence is for no reason, we are plainly here because of genetic mutations in a species that has evolved over millions of years.

Then why the question? It is the conscious mind. That we can possess such a superior intelligence for no real purpose because of set of genetic mutations over millions of years is simply intolerable for humankind. Yet, it is most plausible. The conscious mind must have question, answer and reason. Most of all, the mind must have purpose. Our superiority must be a result of some even greater force!

In this simple reasoning, humankind has created 'God'. That such superior thinking, meaning so much to us could come to nothing, the fear that death will come and all thought will become non-existent, that life will simply end, that darkness and nothing awaits us is understandably too much. We must have more; thus God becomes a personification of the fear of nothing, the fear of death and a fear of our own superiority.

God, is by definition a 'Superhuman', superior to Humans (who are superior to all else) and indeed created our being. That we are all created and 'gifted' intelligence allows us to feel the worth that we feel we deserve. It makes us feel that life is not pointless, that we exist absurdly; we know that the best is still to come, that a greater peace exists.

All 'Gods' fulfil this same purpose, to allow us to accept death and to maintain a form of sanity. We can submit to a higher purpose and feel comfortable in our faith that 'God' exists. Our time of thinking will be rewarded and after living a hardworking life we can spend eternity in a peaceful place. In contrast to the void of nothingness that faces Humankind in opposition, it is no wonder we feel such this way.

But let us not delude ourselves; God does not exist, it is simply a condition of the mind. It is a fear. We have no idea about death or beyond, but we feel that there must be more. We live in a conscious limbo, seeing answers and asking the questions that forever plague us.

We ask, "Why am I here?" We search high and low for the answer, but there is none, simply because the question has no answer…the question should not be asked.

"Reflection.

I see a reflection of me

But it isn’t me.

I see someone, lurking in the darkness

With blood and hate dripping from their vengeance

A demon within, my shadow, my enemy.

I feel the rage of the other

I am overwhelmed by the reflection of me.

The ‘other’. We all have the ‘dark’ side. That part of you that you hate. The part of you that you hate in others. The part of you that is inherently evil.(By the definition of the now).

Me, mine lurks in the background and lets me carry on happily making my merry way into some kind of security and then, when the time is right, he emerges and suppresses what is me. What follows then is a torrid flood of hate and rage. A drunken fury that is not me. A drunken fury that is within me though.

In a mirror, I see myself looking back. I try to see him there. I look beyond the eyes, I try to see into his head and wonder why he comes and what motivates that pain. Why he should choose to thwart my every effort into the ground. I see nothing but me.

I reflect, (as a matter of fact) on the past few months and I see him at critical times. I see the love that I held so strong disintegrate and again the vase smashes into a million pieces. He wins once again.

I am left in the turmoil and the wake of his destruction. I fight and I try. I see me in the mirror. The others….they see him.

"When I’m right, no-one remembers, when I’m wrong, no-one forgets."

This reflection of me, will be the death of me.

That old problem of being me kinda worked itself out in a funny way. Yes, she did marry the guy. Bummer. She left him 6 weeks later. The cancer I had created in her mind was enough. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all my fault. There were fundamental problems with them. I stayed. That was nearly two years ago now. Result? She and I are together. I am fully in love. I am with someone that makes me very happy. She went after that thirst for knowledge as well and now she's at university.

Crazy isn't it? It's like this was all one big jigsaw. When we look back at all the events, I firmly believe that greater forces were at work trying to bring us together. She brought me out of the shell I had hidden inside. Now? I don't really spend much time here anymore, because I have found more, a life outside the .net

If you're reading this, then maybe you ought to go outside, smell the air and try to get a life out there. There's so much more out there. The smells, the tastes, the reality of real people. Love, sex, kisses, romance, dinners, walks.....

Go On.

Go outside.......