Sunday 21st January 1996

I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought I was
too strong, I thought I could handle it.

Addiction

Addiction to alcohol.

Even now, I think that maybe I've been too hasty.
Maybe I don't have a problem, but inside, I know.
I know there's a problem.

I never wanted to be different, I still don't. It seems the
one thing that unifies us all is alcohol. Things will change.
I'm afraid. I fear that I'm alone, even though everyone is behind me.
Everyone wants me to succeed.
Inside there's a strange feeling of panic.

Its difficult to imagine the change, my problem is I try to
think ahead(too far?). I know I should take each day as it comes.
What will it mean? My life and alcohol, my life and addiction.
What will become of me?

It's too late to return. Everybody knows, everybody wants me to succeed.
I must. Will it laugh forever....laugh?...LAST forever.

I'm 20 now, nearly 21. Why so young? Why me? It is a frustration.
I know that I drink for the wrong reasons, but doesn't everyone?
There are people out there, that I know who are drinking for the same reasons,
but they don't proclaim to have a problem.
So maybe I don't.

No, I do.

Inside I know, there is a problem, if I feel that and I
realise that it is becoming an addiction, or already is, then I
must be right. Is this a mountain out of a molehill? I wish I knew.

Shit, why can't I be normal? Just like every other fucked up
individual who has their normal amount of stupid problems, but
minor ones, ones that don't mean you have to change your life to solve them.

Well, I have Emily. She's been fantastic so far, I love her so
much and I'll need her like no other, but I feel so guilty laying all this on her.
Also though, because I love her so much, I don't want to let her down....

So here I go, its dark on this path and I don't know the way,
but some people do, so I need them. See you on the other side.

II.

So its true then.
The beast is within me.
Like they said, "A zoo in a cage, that wants to be free."
Yea, I wanna be free. I wanna be myself. I feel that I'm part of
this long walk that becomes a run, a race and its eating away at my soul.

I run from the darkness, following the sunset, but there are
times when it catches me, consumes me and I can't see out. I
don't want to drag people into that abyss, but she isn't what I
need to recuperate and this isn't the verse I wish to record.

How does it do that? I fear the phone, the darkness is in it,
it destroys us and I hate it for that. I cannot climb the smooth
walls of Emily's mind. She will not throw me the lifeline. Am I
the person I thought I was? Surely I am. The old saying;
"Get me out of this rock n' roll hell."

Sounds almost funny, I see it though, but where to run? Where
the fucking hell? I drag her down, I am not the man. High price
to pay for the angel with its demon soul eating and devouring.
People have to know, but who? The walls of chaos surround.
Do people know what its like; the addiction?

I want more, I want that drink, oh I want that drink. I listen
to sounds which metamorphoses into the struggle. As I once used
to say before;

"Struggling in the arms of Nemesis."

How do I fight this alone? They all say that I don't need to
be alone, they know nothing, if I rely, then I lose, but if I am
alone, I lose.

I don't want to be eternally depressed. All the drink does is
break me and puts me in the cage. How will she ever throw me that
life-line of hers if I'm going down in flames? Too many questions
and I cannot seem to find the answers.

I can feel it right now, consuming, creeping death.
LET ME GO. I must not let you win.

"Things are not all that out of control."

Yes, the word: "Control", that's what he said; "Control", my element.
The conscious drunk, wide awake in intoxication.

III.

So, a day further and I'm making it, I can reach the
light, but the demon is still there.

The demon lives in the drink, he's alive, but for many he's(or rather its) not there,
its in literature, its fiction. You have to SEE the demon and oh how he has sat opposite me,
grinning through rotting corpse, through that half bottle of Vodka and
he's saying "Yes, yes, I can show you the way."

You follow, you follow like a child to sweets and yes, he gives you a good time,
but he is the DEMON and he wants your soul, he wants your deception,
your hate, your lack of faith and he gives you his weakness and soon you will fall to your knees as I have done.

So now? The demon is not in wrath, he watches me, still
smiling, still saying "You lose." I want to believe him, I want
to run to him and embrace my death, an eternal death. He has
power and it takes PURITY and STRENGTH to combat his wrestle,
those arms around the neck, they're so very tight, the grip is still firm.

Tonight, I play at the gates of Nemesis, I play and dance at
the beasts mouth. Do I do it to annoy him or tempt me?

I wish I knew.

Lucretia, my reflection.

"Two worlds and in-between."

I will never know peace.
My conscious would never allow it.
I try to bring peace so much that it destroys my own peace. Soon,
I will not be the peace-maker, but....what?

I see a wording:-
"Drink from me and live forever."

That's what he says, but he's a liar. I won't let him fucking win.
I shall be me, for me.
All they must do is guide and watch from mountain tops as I walk the valley of darkness.
The first journey is almost won....

IV.

14 weeks....its a long time, it seems like so long and how the
words of before seem almost trivial...but haste, they remind me of the demon...
I play again with the idea that the demon is smaller and weaker, but now I realise he is not.
Alcohol is the route of all evil....not money, not power,
it is alcohol, people die, they lie, they corrupt, they betray...

they are addicted....

I have become apart

I have become alien to the original me......

I wish I could go back now...I still want to and inside I believe
I might retain some form of control....I'm still afraid....so far,
weeks of fucking coke, orange juice, lemonade and people
saying 'congratulations', words of comfort and words of sorrow.

Give me a fucking break...

I am now 21 and to quote "I ain't goin' out like that..."

Now I have the so-called comfort of those looking out for me,
those that will pull tightly on the choke-chain when they think
the time is right...they are the gods? I believe that I may be
mine own, if I can hold the demon away, I can certainly hold him
in hated embrace and pull his own noose tighter when I want to. I
resent peoples developed attitude.

Certain people I know...they want me to remain holding me in the cage...
the irony is that through seeking my own freedom I have encaged myself again and there are those that wish me to remain there....I know, they love me, they don't want me to return to the original state

but

I think

I could..

it is unfair of them to burn me for my own wishes...

nobody knows what is best for me...