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“For you and I have a guardian angel…above with nothing to do. But to give to you and give to me love forever more.” ~*~ Grandma Cliff ~*~

My grandma and I sat on the old wooden swing on her front porch. You could tell it was old, the chains were rusted, but grandpa covered the wood with a nice finish so it would look good. I closed my eyes and looked up at the soft blue sky, not knowing what my life had in store for me. Now that I’ve seen the preview, I’m not so sure I want to stick around to see the rest.

My father met my mother when she was 14. She was dirt poor, literally. Her family went to extreme measures to survive. Everything from making the kids work from dusk until dawn to stoning down birds just to eat. She was desperate to find a way out. It was as if their marriage was destined to happen, so she could survive. They were wed when she was about 17 years old and one year later she had a little baby girl on June 14th, weighing in at 7lbs 14 ounces and 21 inches long. The family calls her “Kimmy.”

I remember the night they got divorced like it was yesterday. I thought they were fighting over deodorant, but little did I know it was much more than that. I remember how in the movies, the child would try to jump in the middle and try to stop it, then the parents would break down into tears and stop fighting. Yeah, brave little 3 or 4 year old Kimmy jumps in the middle of a parent fight, and got pushed right back out. How about that for your first experience and fight prevention?

Well, the next thing I remember, I was in the back seat of my dad’s car back in Sioux City, IA, the city where I was born. Not many people there at all.

We lived in the basement of my grandma’s house for awhile, and then my dad met Rose. I was daddy’s little girl and didn’t like the idea of a new woman with her son moving in. I was horrible. Every time she went to touch something that was my dad’s I would scream at her and say, “Don’t touch that! It’s not yours it’s my daddy’s!” Quite the pest huh? Time went on and we still didn’t get along. Constant physical fighting, always crying, child protective services calling the house…it wasn’t working. Yet my dad and Rose stayed together and slowly but surely I started accepting her. We became friends. Life was finally looking up. Then as luck would have it, things took a turn for the worse. During the summer of 1999, I went to visit my mother in Fort Washington, Maryland. It was a completely different environment. I thought to myself, “Finally, a
vacation from it all…” It was the furthest thing from a vacation. Face it, teenagers get bored easily if you don’t keep the occupied. I wasn’t occupied, so I got bored. I wanted to go out and do things…it was my vacation! My mother knew this lady who had a daughter close to my age. She decided to introduce us.

Her name was Cristy. It was amazing we clicked instantly! Best friends the first day we met! We did everything together. She had an uncle…I called him “Jimmy.” He was married to a Filipino that was stationed in South Carolina. He was a nice guy, we talked about my problems in life and his problems. We clicked as well. At night he would sneak into Cristy’s bedroom and sleep in between Cristy and I. I didn’t think anything of it at first. Then he slept in her room more often, and started sticking his hand up the front of my shirt, kissing me when he thought I was asleep, trying to get on top of me…I didn’t say anything because I was scared to. I didn’t think they would believe me.

On my birthday, he took Cristy and I to downtown D.C. Before we had left Cristy’s driveway, a boy walked by. I admit, I found him somewhat attractive. I heard him ask Cristy “Damn, who is that girl!?” and “Put in a good word for me.” I just laughed it off when Cristy gave me details. We
went to Planet Hollywood at D.C. that night.  “Jimmy” bought me a lot of things that night. He took us down to the river and the three of us talked the night away. I was mesmerized by the glow of the moon off of the water. It was so pretty.

He drove us back to Cristy’s house and her parents were in their garage getting drunk off of their bottoms. Jimmy joined them, and her other Uncle Joey was drunk and making passes at me. He said things like “When you’re 18, damn girl…you HAVE to give me a call…”I just kind of brushed it off. Cristy had friends in, and one of them was the guy I had seen earlier that day. He seemed a little troubled. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he had wanted to talk alone. So we had gone in Cristy’s front living room to talk. Stupid, STUPID mistake. I remember it clearly. There was the faint light from the kitchen, I could hear her relatives laughing and talking loudly in the garage, and I could hear Cristy and her friends laughing. The guy and I had talked for awhile and then he kissed me. I had a boyfriend and I told him to stop. He stopped for awhile and then he kept making passes at me and finally, he slid his hand down my shorts and underwear. I slapped his hand and saw Cristy in the corner of my eye. She covered her eyes and I begged with her to please come back. I remember saying, “Cristy, please don’t leave me alone with him please!”

She left me alone with him. He pulled off my clothes quickly and slipped his pants off. I was crying, praying to God to help me. I tried to get up, but he pushed me back down and held me still underneath him…forcing himself in me repeatedly. Tearing me up inside, ignoring my tears and the hurt in my eyes. I was in shock knowing I was loosing my virginity to someone who just wanted a night of fun, someone who didn’t even care about me, someone who didn’t stop to think about what he was doing to me. He never once stopped to think about how he hurt me physically and emotionally.

When he had left I ran to the bathroom crying and cleaned myself and blood stained my underwear. I ran to Cristy’s room and yelled at her, wanting to believe it was all her fault. But it wasn’t. It was my fault. You’d think I would have been smart enough to know what I was getting into.

After it had happened I told only a few people. I was scared. He had told me, “I swear I’ll kill you if I find out you told anyone,” and I knew he was capable. The few that I did tell didn’t tell anybody. I called my boyfriend Joseph the day after it happened. He was upset. I had never heard him so
upset in my entire time of being with him. We got in a huge fight and ended up breaking up. It hurt me so much, I called him back and we smoothed things over. And he said those three words that make everything better, “I love you.”

I wrote a letter to my friend Amber (a.k.a. FEBEAR) telling her what had happened and accidentally left it lying around my mother’s house.  I figured no one had seen it since it was still in the same place I had left it when I retrieved it the day I left Maryland.

When I got back to Texas I hadn’t told anyone. I kept it to myself and it was tearing me up inside. I didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions that were going through my head. And finally, one day…it all came out during a fight I had with my dad.

Everyone, my boyfriend, friends, and yes…even my family pushed me away when they found out what had happened. They didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, or me so they figured it would be better if they just left me alone. What they didn’t know was that, that was the time that I needed them the most. And I’ll never forget those who stood by my side.

The next week was full of coldness and silence between my dad and I. My dad called my mother and told her what I had said and she was highly upset. My dad gave the phone to me and all she did was yell and cuss at me. She had told me “I read that letter that you wrote your friend!” I asked her why she didn’t say anything to me then, and she said, “I thought you were lying! If I knew you were going to turn out this way I would have aborted you when I had the chance to!” Those words, till this day linger in my head.

My stepmother took the phone, listened and hung up on her. She knew what I was going through. She hugged me and took me upstairs, we talked for a long time. I thanked God she was there. She helped me through a tough time of my life.

My dad and step mom then left for the Philippines for a month. I went into a deep depression and began to cut myself, I kept thinking about killing myself. When I cut myself it was as if it were a subconscious thing. I didn’t know I was doing it. And it scared me because I was afraid I’d try
killing myself and not know what I was actually doing.  The cutting became more and more frequent. Till this day I still have the scars on my arm. It was a remembrance of the worst time in my life so far.

When they had gotten back I stopped cutting myself and life became a little closer to “normal.” The family was bonding again, or so I thought. My stepmother started withdrawing herself from the family, and didn’t talk to us as much. Whenever I would have time to talk to my father, he would ask me things like “What would you think if Rose and I filed for divorce?” I didn’t think much of it at the time. But I guess it’s one of those cases where, you don’t realize how much you loved someone until they were gone.

They followed through with the divorce and they’re still friends. She calls periodically and he calls her. At least it’s not like the first divorce. I’m still with my boyfriend Joseph, 14 almost 15 months. I love you baby. *huge hugs* Some of the friendships haven’t completely healed yet, but that will come within time. Because the real friends were there in the beginning and are there now. I’m currently in counseling and recovering from Depression and Insomnia. Yes every now and then the thoughts haunt me and break me down, but I haven’t let those events have complete control of my life. The song “Guardian Angel” plays a role in my life, because I know no matter what, my guardian angel is by my side. God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger right? I’ve wanted so badly to throw my hands up and scream, “I GIVE UP!” But I can’t give up. After all, I have my whole life ahead of me…I’m not even 18.